Existential Cupcake

Lesson Learned

2010-12-17T21:02:00.000-08:00

December 17 – Lesson Learned

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

(Author: Tara Weaver)

I was complaining again. I was tired of being taken advantage of and tired of people mistaking my "niceness" for "meekness." I was starting to think I had a sign on my back that said, Please overwhelm me with all of your crap. I love crap, so I'll take it.

Then he snapped me out of my woe-is-me mode, "Amy," he said, "You're an important person. Start acting like one."

He was right. And that's one of the biggest lessons I have learned this year: I am important. The truth is, maybe I was a little meek. I somehow equated saying yes and being agreeable with pleasing people and therefore, people liking me. But in reality, I was turning into a doormat. I was making myself useful and invisible. I used to put everyone else before me, and I never wanted to speak up for myself. Because, really, who was I? A young, smiling, idealist, with nothing important to contribute to the world.

I got the opportunity to talk to someone who interviewed me for an internship a few years ago (an internship that I did not get offered). While explaining why he picked another candidate over me, he noted that I did not "talk-up" or even acknowledge my qualifications nearly enough. I was just as qualified as everyone else, if not more so. But I didn't bother to let anyone else know during the interview. I ended up finding a wonderful internship, and after that, a wonderful job but that conversation stuck with me. What was I putting out into the world? Whatever is was, it wasn't translating well and it surely wasn't benefiting me.

It was hard for me to feel important-- especially as a newly licensed, recent grad school graduate, with a brand new job. What if I came off as arrogant? What if I offended people? What if *gasp* I couldn't get every single person to like me? But I took some good advice and started acting more important. I asserted myself a little more and I expressed my thoughts more. To my surprise, no one confessed their hatred for me and darn it, don't you know that I started to feel more important? With that feeling came confidence, not arrogance.

So yes, world: I'm important. I'm intelligent and I'm damn good at my job. I will love you with all of my heart if you are worthy, and wow- you're lucky if you're worthy. I'm a loyal friend and a good person. I will speak up and express myself, because what I have to say is important. I do not think I'm better than you, but I certainly do not think that I'm less than you. I've traveled you, Mr. World and I think that travel has offered me many experiences that are relevant. I am relevant.

This will all be a continual process. I still have many days where I feel "less than" and I still catch myself staying quiet and being agreeable at my own expense. I have to remind myself that the world deserves my best, most authentic self-- my important self. It's that important self that can give back to the world in the best of ways.

Day 15 - 5 minutes

2010-12-15T15:24:00.000-08:00

Reverb10 is an open online initiative that encourages participants to reflect on this year and manifest what’s next.

Day 15 Prompt:
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

This is my kind of prompt. Something with a time limit. So I’m losing my memory in five minutes? Ready and go:

Falling in love--- the way it aches from your toes to your eyelashes.

Feeling that, for the first time, you can be your true, authentic, wacky, compulsive, randomly singing, weird voice making self and be loved anyway.

Trekking miles through 4 feet of February snow with him holding my hand.

The fig ice cream in Buffalo.

My grandfather’s belly laugh around the Thanksgiving table. Tears streaming down his face. So much gratitude.

Nailing that job interview. Being poised and confident.

Reading internet stories about Zagnuts with my favorite girls in a Baltimore hotel room. Laughing. Hard.

Exploring abandoned buildings in Detroit. The feeling of stillness and tranquility I found in the old empty schoolhouse. The feeling of being so tiny while in that old forgotten theater.

3rd Sunday themed potlucks. Leaving feeling energized and full of hope for humanity.

Underwear dance parties.

These are the moments and feelings that stood out to me. 5 minutes doesn’t give you much time to over-think things. Let’s hope I make a good handful of memories worth holding on to throughout 2011. Bring it on.

Reverb10 Day 11- 11 Things

2010-12-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

I’m late to the game for Reverb10. But that doesn’t mean I can’t hit the ground running. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Reverb10 you can check it out here

Prompt #11

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Energy Vampires: I’ve had enough with the vampires this year. And I’m not just talking sun –sparkly perfect hair Edward type vampires (though I’ll be glad to see that fad fizzle out as well). I’m thinking more along the lines of the energy suckers-- Those people who feed off of your energy and leave you feeling depleted and weak.

2. Frozen Dinners: Seriously woman. You can do better than that.

3. Worry: Worry is pointless. It’s a waste of energy. If I can take action to solve a specific problem, then great. If not, then let it go.

4. Clutter: I hold on to way too many things, thinking that some day these “things” may serve a “purpose”. No. I don’t need 2 printers or 3 pair of rain boots. And what the hell is that telescope doing in my home office? Detach. De-clutter. Delight.

5. Negative self-talk: Every time I fall into this horrible pattern I have to switch gears and imagine present-day me talking to 13 year old me. I’m much more gentle and motherly to 13 year old me. I love the young naïve, hopeful version of me, but now I need to learn how to love the 26 year old me as well.

6. Fear of Failure: What a boring track I’ll keep trudging on if I continue to fear making mistakes. I think I need to go bowling to solve this one. I’m a terrible bowler. I will most certainly fail at bowling and I’ll most certainly survive.

7. Control Freakishness: Now heeey now. I don’t want my life to be a free-for-all hippie clothing optional do as you please commune. I just want to ease up on the reigns a little. I would like to be okay with not controlling every aspect of my life. I like to plan, but I think a little spontaneity will bring about some learning experiences.

8. Guilt: Guilt is heavy, heavy on the heart. I refuse to continue to feel guilty about what I decide is best for me.

9. Excuses: No one wants to hear them. I don’t want to have them.

10. Stagnation: Action, Amy. A-c-t-i-o-n.

11. Top Forty radio: The earworms are just too horrendous.

I’m working toward balance and lightness. By giving up some of these unneeded things in my life, I’ll allow room for better things to enter. I have to continue to be my own gate-keeper. I make the decisions regarding what and who is worthy enough to have my time and energy.

Imagining Summer

2010-03-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

Summer Havana
and the birds are baking
in the trees.
You at my fingertips,
wonderfully sedated
in humidity, heavy--
like a wooden door.

This is what we talk about
when we talk about nothing.
This is how we kiss
when we kiss time good-bye.

March 24 2010

2010-03-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

Shhh
Talk soft
or listen.
You'll hear the city breathing,
stable and unrelenting
like a child at midnight.

Maybe we don't have to grow up-
Just grow out of the shoes,
that leave us stuck.
Waiting.
For the next worse thing
or something better.

We quote the famous poets
and live
believing their debris
can change a world
that's already shifting.

March 23, 2010

2010-03-23T10:52:00.001-07:00

We sat next to the storm drain
And counted the gun wrappers.

Me in papayawhip lipstick
Him glamorous, yet subtle.

How many harbours must a runaway touch
Before she is a traveler?

He held my hand and traced the lines of my palm--
A chiromancy romance,

A buzz.
High Pressure.

And all the while he knows my future--
This is how it begins.

A short letter

2010-03-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Inner Critic,

I know you came into my life with the best intentions: Try to keep Amy from looking like an ass. You're the reason I never got a perm or enjoyed bowling-- And I thank you for that.

But I think we need to break up. I've compiled a short list of reasons. I hope you understand, though I am not seeking your understanding or approval.

1. You're making it hard for me to write and I'm tired of it.
2. I'm spending more time considering decisions than actually living my decisions.
3. You're a really bad lover.

Sincerely,

Amy K.

P.S. Suck it

March 17, 2010

2010-03-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

Someone died today.
The sweat of New Orleans
on his brow.
He was thinking,
I'm in Love.
What's that song?
I'm in love with that song.

Now under the waxing moon
something else is waning.
I don't know that song, Alex.
But I'm very much alive.

So I guess today is my lucky day.

March 16, 2010

2010-03-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

I left my mind
in a silent home
plugged into a USB port

So when you say,
"I never thought I'd be loved
by anyone as pretty as you"

I think I need to move that meeting to Friday
and Maybe I'll have time to buy groceries over lunch hour
But where would I store the dairy products until 5?

I can imagine your eyes
shining with the possibility
of summer
and I never thought
I'd be loved
by anyone so patient.